In so many ways, I don't want to write this blog. I don't want to say what I'm about to say. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want. I'll go ahead and tell you my news, and then I'm going to tell you the reason why. I hope you'll stick around for that.
I've made the decision to postpone my work on the Nightfire trilogy indefinitely. It's the last thing in the entire world that I want to do, but I'm at a place right now where I simply cannot complete the project in the way I had always envisioned it. I am quite literally unable to tell the story, at least not right now.
Right now, I am in the thick of a difficult battle with postpartum depression and anxiety. To put it bluntly, I'm in hell. It is all I can do to wake up in the morning and talk myself into getting out of bed and doing what I must to take care of my children and get through the day.
A few short weeks after Ivy was born, my family and I went through what may have been the most stressful sequence of events that we've ever been through together, and perhaps what I've ever been through in my life. Since then, I've been living in darkness.
I know that this is and will be temporary, but right now I feel like I'm suffocating. This feeling is unlike anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sad; I'm in utter despair. I'm not worried; I'm in a state of fear so debilitating that I can't function. It is an isolation that feels pretty damn impossible to ever break. Like I've stepped in quicksand with nothing to grasp or keep me from drowning.
I am always a "strong" person, but right now I feel broken.
I'm getting help, but I know this will be a process. I don't know how much time it will take, and that's why I can't keep giving readers hope that Phoenix will be released any time soon because I just don't know if that's the case. I promise I'll finish it when I can, but I can't say when that time will come.
To the people I love, I'm sorry if I've been distant lately. I'm sorry if I've let you down. I'm trying, so hard, to keep myself together. Some days are easier than others, but they are all hard right now. I love you, and I need you. Thank you for your love, support and understanding. Don't stop believing in me.
