Challenge

Do you ever find yourself looking desperately for an answer only to realize that it's been right in front of you all along? Praying for God to show you some sort of sign, to give you some sort of help, but you've been too blind to see His work until it practically hits you over the head because it's finally THAT blunt? That's me right about now.

Over the past month and a half or so, I've really been dealing with an internal struggle that I just couldn't seem to resolve. I've finally found some clarity (I feel like I'm jinxing myself for even saying that), and, after getting some serious work done today, I'm feeling refreshed and invigorated. Looking back on it, though, I honestly feel a little...silly, for lack of a better word.

At the risk of being too candid, I have to admit that, on a rather regular basis, part of me feels like an absolute fraud, like a complete and total failure. Here I am, saying that I want to be a writer, or an author, even, preaching about following dreams and never giving up on them no matter what...and yet, that's what I'm doing, day in and day out. I'm giving up. Every day that goes by where I make the decision, conscious or otherwise, not to put forth any effort into pursuing my passion, I'm failing. Dreams don't just magically come true. I am responsible for making that happen.

Back in June, when my husband and I were on a family vacation with our daughter, we had several conversations about life in general - it's just one of those things that we do when we're able to take a few steps back from the "real" world and enjoy some time to ourselves and with each other. In one such conversation, we were discussing an article that we'd both recently read. In short, the article suggested that since no one sees your thoughts (rather, they see your actions), your thoughts cannot, will not and do not define who you are to other people in the world; instead, only your actions do so, because you actions are all that others can see. One particular passage in particular addressed writers, saying that you cannot call yourself a writer if you do not, in fact, write things. Ideas in one's head, even with the intention of writing those ideas down, does not a writer make. It's true.

It struck a chord with me, that's for sure, especially with the part of me that feels I'm failing in my pursuit of this dream, a dream I've been vocal about for some time now and yet have hardly anything to show for it.

Since then, I've seen a similar quote on the TV series Gossip Girl (of all places), and on Pinterest. More recently, I've followed several friends through social media as they find their inspiration and accomplish things while I sit back and, well, do nothing.

Through all of this, the part of me that has lost faith in myself tends to forget that I've published two books; as a matter of fact, she even trivializes that fact, condemning it as "not good enough." She kinda sounds like a bitch, doesn't she? But she has a point. A good one, at that.

There are a thousand and one excuses that I or anyone else could come up with as to why we've given up. Heck, right now I've got not one but TWO completely "legit" excuses - some might even say reasons - already built in: 1) I'm almost 7 months pregnant, and 2) I'm a mom. The thing is, though, that those two facts really make me feel even worse about giving up. There is a certain example that I want to set for my children. I want them to know that they can and SHOULD always follow their dreams, no matter what, but that it will take work to do so. Of course, I am in no way saying that pursuing writing should ever take priority over my family; what I am saying, however, is that, for me, continuing to pursue a life as a writer even further makes my family the priority...by allowing me to be my best and to motivate and influence my kids to do the same in their own lives.

At the end of the day, I'm sure we all feel like there's never enough time to get everything done. There isn't. Honestly. There isn't ever enough time to get EVERYTHING done. But...if writing is a priority for me, it's something that I need to give myself time to do. Recently, when I asked myself why I don't write every day, I didn't have a good answer. I have a million excuses, sure. I'm tired. I'm not inspired. I can't think straight (thanks, pregnancy brain). I have to do the dishes. I have to, I can't, the list goes on and on.

I want to be done with that list. I want to rip it up and throw it in the trash and never, ever look at it again. There is NO reason why I cannot sit down for an hour, or even TEN MINUTES a day and do the thing I love. Ironically, the longer I DON'T write, the harder it is to get motivated to do it - and vice versa. The more I write, the more I WANT to write, because I remember how much I love doing it.

I'm going to start small, but at this point I'm taking it a day - okay, a week - at a time. I'm challenging myself to write every single day - whether for 10 minutes or for 2 hours or however long - for the next week. Today was day one, and I'm already looking forward to tomorrow.

Once I get myself back into the habit of doing what I love, maybe I'll finally start holding myself accountable to some real deadlines and get this trilogy finished once and for all. Baby steps, right?

Until next time...thanks for listening.